Random thoughts, about love, about youth

Well, this is not a drame review seriously, just some random thoughts.

 

I've always loved all those perceptual things, like a movie with sensitive narrator. That‘s where it captured me, this TV serial. That red haired heroin, not so pretty but has her own unique style, I love her words, those over-sensitive but impressive and expressive words. But the most import reason for me to follow this serial, is that it kind of pulls me in, it reminds me of my own high school days, my own struggle and my own terribly sweet and painful obsessions I used to have but have forgotten for so long a time.

 

"You are so beautiful that it hurts to just look at you." Angela told this secretly at heart to Jordan Catalano. Yeah, Jordan Catalano, that incredibly good-looking young man played by an extremely handsome Jared Leto. I can't give much credit to Jared’s acting skill actually, he's so much more of a singer than an actor in my humble opinion. But still he reminds me of my own beautiful disaster. Nothing compares to those subtle feelings you have for someone which you can only have when you are in your youth. I've never done any crazy things in my life, and I don't have a friend like Rayanne, but I do have felt every bit Angela felt for Jordan.

 

That boy was shining like the sun, that boy held so much attention, that boy was handsome and tall and thin and good at all kinds of ball games, that boy was everything I ever dreamed of. That boy was from another class, and I was not even sure he actually knew me though he did add me on QQ and I didn't even know why. I talked so much about him, I felt so nervous when he was around, I acted so wierd to try to catch his eyes, every poem I wrote was about him. I can't write any poems now, but my works used to be ranked highly by my English and Chinese teachers. Words cannot describe young love at this age, when I could be so emotional. When he smiled, the whole world in front of me was lightened. And if I didn't see him for days, the sky turned grey. When suddenly he rang me a phone call, I felt like I was living in heaven. When he didn't show up where he said he would, I felt so insulted and told myself to get over him once and for all. But no matter how many times I tried, it never really worked. He was part of my life, my so called high school life.

 

The moment he told me he liked me was so unreal, I couldn't believe it. It was all of a sudden and I've never prepared for a situation like this. Our first date was like a dream, I was like Cinderella fearing when the time came everything would just vanish. I almost fainted when I got home, I was lying on my bed, exhausted, 'cause he took all the strengths from me. When he kissed me it was like a dream came true, I could feel his heart beating so fast, his breath with so much passion, and his eyes with so much affection.

 

I don't wanna talk about what happened later, the story could be so much better if it just ends up here. Just like 【My so called life】, it dosen't need a second season or more seasons to make it only worse. Those emotions only belong to those days, and those days only belong to memories. When I met him 10 years later, I knew nothing ever stays the same. Something glimmered in his eyes was telling he missed those good old days too, I still couldn't turn him down when he said he needed a little company for a while, even though it was a bit late at night. He drove me to the old school which reminded me of so many things, on the way back he asked me about a letter, a X'mas card actually. He asked me again if I wrote that, I never admited it was me. Don’t know why I felt a bit moved, he never forgot, through all these years. Suddenly I felt this impulse to kiss him, to kiss him goodbye for the last time. I am kind of wondering what would happen if I did kiss him that night, maybe finally I'll have the gut to do a crazy thing, to take him back and marry him.

 

But I didn't. So memories stay memories, yesterday never becomes tomorrow, no miracle no fairy tale.

 

My life goes on.

But my so called life, it's gone forever.