James: Almost noon. Jacks: I'm afraid you've got to go. James: Excuse me? Jacks: You've got to go. I have friends coming over for brunch. James: What? In my apartment? Jacks: Sorry. James: 3 years and you still treat me like a one-night stand!
Jacks: You're never going to find anyone with that attitude. Peter: What attitude? I'm just being realistic. Jacks: If you're realistic, then I'm the Queen of England. Peter: Hey! I'm the Queen of England! Jacks: Hello, your Majesty!
Peter: He's in love with you, Jacks. You're not in love with him. It doesn't get more simple than that. Jacks: That's not fair! I happen to care about James. A lot. And I hate the fact that he feels more than me. And I hate the fact that I'm not in love with him. Because I know I should be. Because he's smart and sweet and decent and I don't want to hurt him. So I keep hoping that I'll grow into it. That maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll feel... Peter: What? Jacks: In love! You know, dizzy and feverish and nauseous... Peter: That's not love, Jacks. That's the flu.
Peter: Talullah! What's wrong? Taulullah: Freedom's having an affair. Peter: An affair? You've only been going out for 2 weeks! Taulullah:Who's he having an affair with? Peter: Me, I just found out he's married.
Klaus: So, you're Felicity's daughter? Taulullah: Only by birth. So don't hold it against me. Wentworth: Donatella! Excuse me. Taulullah: Whoever designed those heels must really hate women. Klaus: I designed those heels. Taulullah: And thank goodness you did! Otherwise Mother's arse would be dusting the floor.
Taulluah: Oh, Peter, I feel so bad. Peter: Come on, drink this. Taulluah: No, I mean about you. Not getting to meet Robbie Williams(David Williams) because of me. Peter: It's OK.
Peter: Have you ever thought this whole 'true love' thing might be a conspiracy? Jacks: A conspiracy? Peter: Yeah, a capitalist conspiracy. A lie concocted by the Film, Publishing and Music industries. All pushing this thing, this concept that doesn't even exist! Jacks: True love doesn't exist? Peter: Well, think about it. Where is it besides songs, books and films? I mean, who can honestly say 'I will always love you? ' Jacks: Whitney Houston? Peter: Yeah, when she's high on crack. The point is, Everyone's miserable because they're looking for this nonexistent 'thing' or else they're miserable because they think they've settled for less. Jacks: I'm not miserable. And I believe in true love. Peter: Yeah, which is why you're still sleeping with your ex-boyfriend.
Shrink: And how long did that last? Peter: What? Shrink: The relationship in your head. Peter: No. I mean, it's an ongoing problem. They only last in my head. For varying amounts of time. Shrink: So you have a problem with monogamy? Peter: No, no that. No, that's not my problem. Shrink: Denial is not a river in Egypt! Not a river in Egypt. D'you see what I did there? Just that's a little therapist joke. Doesn't always work. OK, right. Paul? Peter: Peter. Shrink: Sorry? Peter: Peter. Shrink: Peter. Peter. Yes, it is. You're absolutely right. Peter. That's a good start. Well done you! I think I can help you. Peter: You do? Shrink: I do. I think you are stuck in that pre relationship moment of infatuation and you need to be reminded that a real relationship has many, many, many more stages. Peter: Stages. I like that. Shrink: Relationships are best measured by farting. Peter: Excuse me? Shrink:The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting. Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy 'ooh did you fart? ' followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy. A period I like to call the 'fart honeymoon'. Where both parties find each other's gas just the cutest thing in the world. But of course no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass, thereby signifying true love or else, it begins to annoy and disgust. Thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formerly beloved. Do you see what I'm getting at? Peter? Peter?
Paolo: So tell me your secret. Jacks: What secret? Paolo: How an American can speak like a Spaniard and dance like an Argentinean. Jacks: I'm not American. Paolo: No? Jacks: Well, not technically. I was born in England. My Father was English. My Mother was Spanish. I grew up with my Mother's family in America. After my parents died. Paolo: How old were you when you moved to America? Jacks: Five. Paolo: I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry. Jacks: It's not that. It's just I don't want to be one of those awful characters out of a movie that gushes out their past while the violins play. I mean I had a bad age five. I had a terrible age five, actually. But all in all, since then, my life's been pretty blessed.
Paolo: Are you OK here? Peter: Oh my God! Oh God! Paolo: You don't! I... I'm so sorry! Peter:I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry. I was just... I'm really embarrassed. Paolo: No, no, no, listen, Peter. I really like you a lot, but... Peter: But you don't like me in that way. Look, I know that speech. I use that speech because I actually wrote that speech... Paolo: I'm not gay. Peter: I didn't write that part! Paolo: I'm straight. Peter: Since when? Paolo: I suppose I first noticed when I was around 8. I thought it was just a phase, you know, but eventually I had to accept the truth. I like women.
Wentworth: Well, he's good enough! Jacks: Oh no! No, he's not good enough! Because, that man right there, the real David Williams actually exists! The real David Williams happens to be a living, breathing, on-the-market gay man!
Peter: I'm quite relieved, to be honest. At least it's over and done with. You OK? Jacks: I'm fine. I was just up most of the night thinking... Peter: About? Jacks: Oh, love and other disasters.
Finlay: Are you OK? Peter: That's him. Finlay: Who? Peter: That's the guy I bumped into at the Hotel! Finlay: What? Peter: Sorry. Excuse me, I just need to use the loo, actually. Finlay? Finlay: Right! I'll just... Give you a hand! Peter: I can't believe you said 'I'll give you a hand!'
Peter: Tom. Tom! It's time to get up. Tom: What time is it? Peter: Almost 9. Tom: You gotta go. Peter: Excuse me? Tom: You gotta go. I've got some friends coming over for brunch. Peter: Tom, you're in my apartment.
Peter:Because that way you know you can't really get hurt. Look, Paolo hasn't changed. He's still the same person. He's still the same person you know and believe in. And think is kind and smart and sweet and bloody sexy. The only thing that's changed is what might happen between you. And he can tango!
Jacks: An early departure? An early departure? What are the chances of that? If this was a movie, there wouldn't be an early departure. Peter: If this was a movie, you'd be blonde! Jacks: If this was a movie, you'd be famous! Peter: That's the problem with life, it's nothing like the movies.
Jacks: Stop trying to cast your true love instead ofjust meeting him. Peter: When I meet him, I'll know. Jacks: I'm not so sure. Love isn't always a lightning bolt, you know? Maybe sometimes it's just a choice. Well, that's easy for you to say! Peter: You're flying to Argentina to meet the love of your life! Jacks: That's just it. I don't know that Paolo's the love of my life' but I've decided to give him the chance to be. Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody. Without worrying whether they'll give anything back. Or if they're gonna hurt you, or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn't something that happens to you. Maybe it's something you have to choose.
Berstein: 'Love and Other Disasters.' Nice title. Catchy. But it'll never fit on the marquee. How aboutjust 'Love Disasters? ' Peter: What? Berstein: Oh...I love that Jacks. She's got that British quirkiness audiences love. 'Hello, Babies! ' Peter: Yes, but technically she speaks with an American accent because she's grown up in America so... Berstein: Nah, it's too complicated. Let's make her English. Perfect part for Gwyneth! Peter: Gwyneth Paltrow? Berstein: Finest English actress of her generation! Brainstorm! Orlando Bloom as the Mexican. Peter: Paolo's Argentinean! Berstein: And we'll cover the American angle with Drew and Cameron. Peter: Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz? As who? Berstein: Playing David and Tom. Peter: I'm sorry, you want me to get rid of the gay story line? Berstein: I don't want you to get rid of anything! I'm just saying instead of David and Tom, we have Daisy and Tina. Peter: I... Berstein: Also, you gotta fiddle with that ending. We need a bigger movie moment when Jacks finally connects with Paolo. Peter: Yes, but... Sorry, the whole point is there is no big movie moment because they both discover that true love is a process not an event. Berstein: You know, Peter. I get it. This script is like your baby, isn't it? Peter: Well, yes, I suppose it is... Berstein: I understand that. Believe me, I understand that. Come here. I want to give you some advice! You gotta kill your baby! You gotta fuckin' kill your baby! Peter: Right. Thank you. Thank you.
Peter: It's just... I don't know. I just wanted to tell the truth and somewhere along the line it got mixed up with a bunch of lies. Jacks: Nobody goes to the movies for truth except possibly the French! Peter: The truth is way too complicated. And unsatisfying. And hard to believe.