A Letter to Joe

纪录片最后的信

Dear Joe,

This is the hardest thing to do, why is this so hard. I mean you are me, or rather, you were me, so why does this feel impossible. There are things you need to know, light to shine into the darkness, truths to replace those lies. I know what has happened, and what is about to happen to you, and in this regard, you actually know more than me. There are still things I don’t know that you do, memories I have not yet remembered, and yet still weigh upon my mind. You’ll lock away these memories in the days to come, you’ll be trapped, pushed back and silenced, but you do it as the only way you see to survive. It’s taken me nearly 40 years to understand, although time continues to march forward, I continue to be anchored in the past, by you, to you and with you.

And as you repressed the memories of what happened to us, I trapped you, along with those terrible times, deep in the dark places in my mind. How awful it is to be locked inside, to be both the prisoner and jailer, how awful it is to not just be silenced in the present, but also to be the originator of that silence in the past.

It’s an incredible sacrifice you’re about to make, but you need to know that it was the right thing to do. And that, with time, you’re finally free. And as you recover, you even find your voice. Your sacrifice has saved me.

You are the fire that burns within, no longer with hatred and self-disgust, but with the need to share with others, and help lead guys like you to a better place. It was you that chose to keep living each day, it was you that chose to get out of bed. In short, you chose to live and to love, and in return, you chose to be loved.

Remember your superman sheets and curtains? Superman was your hero, he was not human, how many times did you feel like you were not human? You wanted so badly to be him, to be anyone other than you. You wanted to fight for truth and justice, he was your epic hero. Well, that’s exactly what you have become. You entered the battle of your life, and have gone on to use those tears, fears and pain, to reach out to and better understand other boys in pain, who struggle through their own epic battles, you became an advocate for youth, and fight, in a very real way for truth and justice.

I hope the strength you showed is rewarded with peace and contentment. Make no mistake, you’re the epic hero in the story of us.