Together with a interview I just watched with the writer of Tusk. I have been greatly encouraged to know that whatever your dream is, you gotta chase it. That writer, Kevin Smith if my memory serves me right, had once said, "You have stories, and every story is a good one. If you cannot make a full version of it, do a cheaper version of it, change it a bit, just don't stop telling your story." I has been a inspiration for me personally regarding how much I am incapable of even finding my own dream, not even mention to chase them eventually.
5. reflection on my own life
I was an art student.
By that I mean that I do art in a very formal way. I started with sketch at the right age, doing it professionally with the right kind of teacher helping me. I wasn't a diligent student in any sense, I just had enough talent to actually come to the second place in the studio - of course I am not the best one. I have never been the best one my entire life.
Anyway, that kind of education is flawless in the sense of teaching you the technic. The so call USSR-influenced way of teaching have served me well in learning how to observe things and to capture the best light. It had changed my mind and had made me believe that it was the right way to do things. I thought realistic was the only way to express my feelings.
But I never was and, no matter how much I try, would never be one who can really get used to frames and rules. I obey them, I respect them, I don't play the most decent kind of trick that can give me a privilege over things but kind of, only kind of, disrespect the rules. I just don't. Rules and restrictions had and will always tame me from the outside, but never the inside. Deep inside, I have the urge and enthusiasm to be ejected outside, through my horrible art, through my stumbling words, and through my awful scratches on the paper or spells that relies on spell check excessively on the screen. I know I have it, but i never had the chance to face it with all sincere, in the right climate with the best temperature and moisture, through the right light and the sound voice, sitting the opposite side of the table from a dear friend that knows you spiritually.
I was a shame for me, and the kind of education I had received.
Yet there's something more. Just having un-tamed thoughts towards the world makes me a standard youngster typical for the world after industrial revolution. Only if I have the courage to breakthrough and to show myself I would be one of those rebels, enjoying the freedom won by themselves, and get praised for doing what they should have done really. A step further would be becoming a real artist, writer, or anything like that that may encourage the generation, to inspire the world for sure, and to live a life as a legend.
I am a coward. I dream, but I am too afraid to lose, even online I would fear the possibility of not getting liked. I tried to open a fake account talking shit to people and to be hated. To tear that layer of disguise around me apart and to become a real one for the first time. Not to live a easier life, just to get myself see what's really inside me.
As a child I dreamed of being a literally almighty girl, having the power of controlling her heart as pilling an onion. I dreamed of me having the ability to disguise differently as different kinds of person around others, being tired but looked witty. At that time I thought putting on masks and keeping them was difficult. However, through out the years I finally realize that the process of putting things on is much easier than pilling them off. It's hard to be honest, especially to be honest to yourself. Life truly is an all-live show, and the saying of "acting sophisticated is easy, what's really hard is to play innocence" applies as well.
I cannot face the inner side of myself, and all that possibility of getting criticized. I have a unrealistically high standard for myself, and, unfortunately, waste my life entirely because of that - I'll never be as good as I want to be. I promise myself not to touch illegal/some legal drug at all cost, because I know how pessimistic I am, and , how easily I can get addicted to them. I already live a life stoned without them, and I certainly don't need them for getting more miserable. I take all non-positive comments as a negative ones, all positive ones as compliments only, and find all that I have conquered easy afterwards.
I don't get happy enough. That pushes me forward and tied me to the ground at the same time.