Susana (Kristen Schaal): Uck! It smells like cabbage on this floor. Tim: That's the smell of dead dreams. Susana: I go to clubs at night and people are like hey, who's wearing the cole-slaw? Do you know how hard it is to get laid if you smell like cole-slaw? Not hard...
Tim: You invite idiots to dinner and make fun of them? Williams (Larry Wilmore): Mmm-hmm. Tim: That's...messed up.
Tim: Oh my god! You know that is just so like you. You call a guy a douche and you get your first museum show.
Tim: Jesus Christ! Are you okay? Barry: Ahh, yeah. I'm okay. Is that a Porsche? Tim: Yeah. Barry: Oh wow...I have been hit by a Datsun before, but never a Porsche.
Tim: In the words of John Lennon, you may I'm a dreamer, but I'm not. Barry: The only one. Tim: The only what? Barry: No that's the lyric. You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. Tim: [chuckles] Okay Tim.
Tim: My back, my back, my back! Barry: Is it your back?
[Motioning to a picture of Kieran shaking Nelson Mandela's hand.] Barry: Oh my god! He's friends with Morgan Freeman!
Kieran: Julie's not a penguin, she's a lioness. Don't try to mate a lioness with a penguin, ever. Have you ever seen a mammal and a bird mate? I've never even heard of that.
Barry: So do you guys want to get pizza? Darla (Lucy Punch): I want to lick cheese off of your naked body. Barry: Oh, I'm sure Tim has plates.
Tim: Can you help me, please? Therman (Zach Galifianakis): Perhaps...for a price. Tim: How much. Therman: I just need to hear Barry say you can eat my pudding.
Barry: A goat will eat anything. A goat could probably eat a bicycle. Kieran: A goat could eat itself; if it was driven to it...I'm just a goat who's halfway through eating itself. Barry: Just to be clear, what exactly are we talking about? Kieran: Everything.
Barry: Well I try to look at the bright side. I guess you could say I'm internal optometrist. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade-unless you don't have any water or sugar. Then you just eat the lemons, and the rind will give you diarrhea. So...mamma-mia, poppa-pia, baby's got the dairh-hey Tim!
Lewis' Ventriloquist Wife: My god it's raining men. I don't know who's more gorgeous. Barry: Well beauty is only skin deep-unless something is wrong with your bone structure. Then you could have flawless skin and still be very ugly-because your bones were just...gross.
Lewis' Ventriloquist Wife: Were you looking down my dress? Tim: No. Lewis' Ventriloquist Wife: Why not? Barry: Tim, were you? Please don't embarrass me.
Therman: Brain control? There ain't no such thing as brain control. There's mind control-brain control is ridiculous.