November，1986 （24） JBP'S LETTER TO HIS FATHER

Dear dad，I don't completely understand the driving force behind what I have been working on.I'd been obsessed with the idea of war for the three or four years, often dreaming extremely violent dreams centered around the theme of destruction. I believe now that my concern with death on a mass scale was intimately tied into my personal life.

亲爱的爸爸，我始终无法完全理解究竟是什么驱使我撑到现在。这三四年来，我一直痴迷于战争理论，也经常会做一些极端暴力的噩梦。这些梦魇的主题始终围绕着毁灭。我想我现在对大规模死亡的担忧，也将和我的个人生活紧密连结。

Carl Jung has suggested that all personal problems are relevant to society and that any sufficiently profound solution to a personal problem may if communicated reduce the likelihood of that problem existing in anyone else's experience in the future.

荣格认为，所有的个人问题都与社会问题息息相关。如果能沟通任何对个人问题有深远影响的解决方法，都可以降低此种问题在他人经历中存在的可能性。

I had the notion that confronting what terrified me，what turned my dreams against me could help me withstand that terrible thing.This idea allowed me to believe that I could find what I most wanted if I was willing to follow whatever it led me ，knowing somehow that once started，an aborted attempt would destroy at least my self-respect，at most my sanity.

我曾以为，对峙令我恐惧的事物，正视同我敌对的梦魇，能够帮助我去抵抗那骇人的景象。这个想法使我笃信，我能够抵达一直苦苦追寻的彼岸。倘若我有胆量跟随恐惧的指引，我确信我一旦开始，停止尝试后被摧毁掉的至少是我的自尊，而在最不堪的情况下，被摧毁掉的则是我的理智。

90分钟用了五个小时，反复咀嚼，随着高度集中且不间断的思考我无限接近他，却始终也无法读懂他。他所表达出来的，不及他思想的十分之一，并且在思想的漩涡里越陷越深，无力自拔。他的共情力和实干促使他试图成为尼采笔下的“超人”，但某些情况下他又会成为一个自命清高的混蛋和Alt-Right。JP过于强调个人在集体中的努力，问题是他的现状，他试图成为精神领袖且没法说他并不享受又无力自救的现状，有多少是社会占比，我们永远无法得知。用他自己的话就是It's extremely hilarious。86年的这封写给父亲信让我触碰到了一个坚定真诚又存疑的灵魂，他思考和雄辩的力度，坚定和普世意义，在某种程度上会让人暂时忽略他的偏执。他正在一步步走向毁灭，而他自己也非常清楚。这算不算是某种程度上的社会悲剧。